But no amount of beer could have prepared me for the fact that Harold would suddenly and without warning burst into song. And of course it didn’t work, why would someone with the necessity to sing at the top of his lungs on a first date feel any reason to stop just because I asked?
I don’t really know how I got through dinner but on the way out I was making my way towards my apartment when he hit me with- “So you wanna do this again sometime? Like, what are you thinking right now, would this be something you’re interested in?
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And it was actually very enjoyable except for the fact that Marvin looked about 14 and the two of us wound up getting drunk at 1 in the afternoon. After some enjoyable conversation I said peace out and headed across the street to my next date with “Herman” at a coffee shop.
I don’t remember why I had said yes to three people in a span of less than 24 hours. Anyways, I walked into the coffee shop right past Herman and tried to buy myself an iced chai latte. It was cash only and my cash had been spent on booze with Marvin 20 minutes prior. Eventually after some awkwardness and feeling like someone was somehow whispering to me, I realized that the person sitting in the corner near the bathrooms that people kept walking in off the street, bombing, and then walking out of was my date.
You may be wondering what took me so long, and as usual I have no legitimate answer.
These are explanations people, they are not excuses. Marvin was out of the picture and now it was time to meet ‘Harold.” Harold met me at Grendel’s Den and in hindsight things could have been substantially worse. I’m going to tell you right now that I’ve been in a lot of awkward situations.
Herman told me he’d thee me later and I went home and slept for about 14 hours. Now, the wise thing to do would be to take a step back from the site and assess what in the blazes I was doing. I was a little out of control, but I’m going to hit you with the high points in this extravaganza. If you’re ever an online dater you will come to find that the is this odd gesture at the end of a date that is expected by almost every boy.
Just hang in there, we’re gonna keep trucking along! To the point that even if you don’t like your date (please see above) you still get wrapped up in a bear grip.
When I had initially met up with Spandex in a nearby bookstore, it took me a moment to realize he was talking to me because he spoke so loud and somehow looked constantly at everyone else but me. I think he was looking at some older man when he said “Cheektastic! ” and gave me a hug while simultaneously turning his head 97 degrees to the right. “So, I mean I used to be seeing this girl and like, she was smoking hot. I had thought he was fun and went so far as to invite him to see a Penguins/Bruins game with my “real life” friends since he seemed to love the Penguins almost as much as me.
We went out during our wait to a bridge over the Charles and a man came walking really slowly behind us wearing only a white pair of spandex shorts. I have a pair of black and white shorts, they’re the same kind. Great, great stuff.” Our buzzer went off so we went back and were seated in the midst of not one but two HRD’s. However, I seemed to have misunderstood several things about Marvin. That’s sort of a big thing to misunderstand and I have a very bad tendency to mistake signals. In fact I’ll even call it a great question, but one to which I have no answer.
When he asked where my drink was (“I mean, we’re in a coffee shop, like, that’th why I picked it. ”) and I told him I only had my card on me he said “Aw, that thucks man. This was just awesome, complimented nicely by the fragrant aroma of poo drifting in and out of our lives. I had no answer to any of these questions and so went onward with my nutso dating brigade. ” and gave me the most sudden and aggressive hug I’ve ever had in my life.
After an hour and a half in which I can honestly tell you I have no idea what we talked about, I said I was ready to call it a day. Just as a point of reference before we go any further, in a span of approximately a month and a half I went out with 15 people. Speaking of which, let’s talk about this hugging business.
But to the best of my knowledge (I’m sure I’m retrieving previously repressed items here) this is what happened when I decided to see what all the fuss was about Online Dating. But I also wasn’t sure what in the blazes I was supposed to do on this site, or how to “act” in this weird new arena. People will not believe you and choose not to believe you when you tell them it’s because your face is round. I logged back in, just so you all could see this and am currently dealing with the consequences, but such are the lengths I will go to for my readers. There was nothing else to do but throw darts and thwart unwanted Fritz advances while everyone smoked. I live right over there, you can come up and say hi if you want.” Can you see where this is going?